Things I Don't Understand (Volume Nine)

Out of everything out there, there is one thing that stands out among the rest as the most confusing topic in the history of man: life.
What's the deal with life? I'm starting to get the feeling that life is bipolar. Imagine standing there with an ice cream cone, ready to dive into it with excitement. Life walks up and smacks the ice cream cone out of your hand. Your surprise is mixed with sadness and you're left standing there crying like an idiot. Life sees this and hands you a puppy and leaves. Once again, you are surprised, but at least you aren't nearly as depressed anymore.
Example? Fine.
This whole school year I have spent preparing myself for the Japan trip of 2011. A few weeks ago, an earthquake hit the island and tsunamis raged afterward. Here I am thinking, "Seriously? Dang it." A week or two later, announcements start sounding over the intercom at school announcing a trip to Europe. A really odd coincidence? Or is it life trying to make up for being such a jerk? You decide.
Things I Don't Understand (Vol. 9)
Life, You Sneaky Jerk!
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Things I Don't Understand (Volume Eight)

Have you ever wanted to go a whole day as a ghost? I'm not talking about legitimately dying; that would actually be pretty bad. No, what I mean is, would you like to go a whole day without having to be involved at all? If you were a ghost, you'd just be able to sit back and watch everything as it happened. No one would be able to talk to you, see you, hear you, or anything of the sort, but you'd be there. Imagine a day where you just sit back and watch everything. I'm positive that you would notice more that you would normally miss. It just sounds completely awesome! The next day, you'd probably come back with a completely different view of the world. Maybe Charles Dickens had the same thoughts when he wrote A Christmas Carol.
The only reason that I'm blogging about this is simple; how the heck did I even think about it in the first place?
Things I Don't Understand (Vol. 8)
Wait, what?
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Things I Don't Understand (Volume Seven)

I tried logging on to my blog this morning and quickly figured out that it was blocked for "Pornography/Adult Content." Now, let me take some time to say, "What?!"
Apparently, I've gone the past few months writing blogs about crazy sex scandals and pornographic stories without even knowing it. When I finally logged on to my blog, the only thing that was still proxied was the "Followers" box. This pushes my suspicions over to you all. What the heck are you guys doing?! Are you all watching porn and reading my blog at the same time, or what? Honestly, I'm a bit freaked out that my blog counts as "adult content."
You all make me sick, you pervs.
Things I Don't Understand (Vol. 7)
Apparently, I'm a sexual deviant.
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Things I Don't Understand (Volume Six)

"Okay, we're releasing the students for a fire drill now. Head out into the halls and out the doors."
BAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Sound familiar? It should. Every time we have a fire drill, tornado drill, or anything of the sort, announcements are made signaling the drill, yet for some reason, the alarm is still set off. This provides us with no extra help whatsoever. It only manages the students bleed from the ears. What's worse, the blood makes the floors slippery and it's only harder to proceed with our drill. Why must they announce the drill and sound the alarm at the same time? It's completely unnecessary. If you announce, you don't need the alarm. And if you sound the alarm, you don't need to announce that there's a drill.
Trust me, if we hear a loud alarm, you don't need to tell us to leave. We're already heading for the door.
Stop announcing and sounding an alarm at the same time. Just stop it.
Things I Don't Understand (Vol. 6)
Stupid Announcement-Alarm Combos
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Things I Don't Understand (Volume Five)

The world is fraught with roughly six billion people, no one person being the same as another. Yet for some reason, after thousands of years of living with each other, we have found a way maintain our hatred for each other. Wars, segregation, and all that jazz are floating around today, and I just don't see how we can live with hating each other. I guess maybe I'm just one of those guys that imagines a world filled with peace and love or something sentimental like that.
This coming weekend, Westboro Baptist Church is visiting Owensboro Christian Church in order to protest a variety of topics such as homosexuality, Muslimism, and the sins of man. This whole event has enraged many people around me, not saying that I'm not fired up by the thought, and it really shoves the word HATE front and center in my mind.
Love > Hate
Things I Don't Understand (Vol. 5)
Hate
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Things I Don't Understand (Volume Four)

Why won't my sideburns grow back?
'Nuff said.
Things I Don't Understand (Vol. 4)
Stupid Sideburns
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Things I Don't Understand (Volume Three)

Spoons. The word alone sounds confusing. Spoons have to be close to the top of my list of things I don't understand. Chances are that you don't agree, or that you don't understand why I don't understand. Honestly, I don't understand why you don't understand why I don't understand. But I'll save that for volume seven.
Imagine yourself sitting at the breakfast table, staring down at your breakfast bowl full of delicious [Insert Favorite Cereal Here]. It's a beautiful morning, the sun is shing, the birds are chirping, and your stomach growls for food. You grab a spoon from the cupboard and HAVE AT IT! But eventually, you get down to the cereal that you can't catch with your spoon. You chase the cereal around the bowl, but your spoon is useless against the agility of your cereal! Here's a protip. Put the spoon down, and slurp dat cereal up! Your spoon is doing you no good against your delicious enemy! Just go all out put the bowl to your lips, milk dribbling down your chin like a waterfall of champions.
A bit dramatic? I just like proving a point.
Next scenario. You are washing your breakfast ware in the sink. Breakfast is over, and you still have a bit of milk dangling from your chin, but do you care? Not a bit. You have a beautiful day to look forward to. You rinse your bowl, desposing of the remaining milk (you milk wasters) and put your spoon under the water. The only problem is, the spoon doesn't want to obey the natural laws of kitchen physics. When you spray water on a spoon, it sprays it right back! Your shirt is wet, your spoon is laughing at you, your day just got a lot worse.
Stick with me. We're not done yet.
You're at school, trying to open your locker. It's a somewhat pretty day now, you're a bit frustrated at the fact that spoons are jerks (I don't blame you) when all of the sudden, you feel something sliding across the front of your neck. The cold plastic runs chills down your back and you know exactly what just happend. You were assassinated. If you have ever played the Assassin game, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Spoons are not only the main weapon in this game, but they are FINALLY viewed as the enemy.
Thank God we have forks around.
Things I Don't Understand (Vol. 3)
Spoons
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Things I Don't Understand (Volume Two)

My dad has a daily routine of visiting home from work in order to eat a mediocre lunch. To enhance his lunch-time habit, he turns on the television and tunes into one of the most unnecessary and confusing shows on television. Jerry Springer. Nothing entertains him more than hearing "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" while two half-naked men fight over a "fair maiden."
I just have one simple question. Why? White trash television entertains millions every day around lunch time when their ham and cheese sandwiches fail to do so, but why are they even here? Who in their right mind ever thought, "Hey, man! You know those good ole court hearin's? Well, what if we put 'em on camera and showed 'em to 'Merica?!" or, "Man, I really wish I could watch racist midgets wrestle each other."
Great idea, anonymous hillbilly. Humiliate white trash citizens of America on public television. What could be a greater idea (I have a few)?
Things I Don't Understand (Vol. 1)
White Trash Television
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Things I Don't Understand (Volume One)

Do you love Hispanic food? If yes, chances are you've been to Real Hacienda! The restaurant is great, but there is one thing I don't quite understand.The menus do a fantastic job of confusing me to tears. Sometimes literally! I walk into Real Hacienda thinking, "Wow! Time to eat some chips, salsa, and nachos!" Little do I realize, most of the meals come in combinations. After scanning the menu for roughly ten minutes, I finally give up and order Combo #783, excited mainly for the nachos. This is, however, until I actually recieve my meal. The plate falls on my table and I see nachos, tacos, burritos, chimichangas, chalupas, taquitos, and quesodillas, all with a side of beans and rice. To top it all off, I filled myself up on the chips and salsa. The problem might have been solved before it even started if they had only had the nachos in the front of the menu!
Things I Don't Understand (Vol. 1):
Real Hacienda Menus
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